My apologies, first of all, if you googled the title of this post looking for something else instead. You’ll have to look elsewhere…
What I really wanted to talk about is the whole adults demanding affection from kids thing. It often interests me how adults relate physically to children - particularly relatives, and how their perceived (pre-existing) adult relationships should be acknowledged bodily by little people (as in kids, not leprechauns).
Some people demand hugs and kisses from children, often if they haven’t seen them in a while. Which is perfectly understandable! There’s the aunt who chases her nephew down to bear hug him from behind, the uncle who makes his nephew come and shake his hand, the grandmother who insists on pressing her granddaughter into a suffocating hug irrespective of the little girl’s moue of reluctance.
The funny thing is, and despite having the best intentions (’I haven’t seen you in a while and I’m desperate to reconnect with you’) forcing children into physical affection that they don’t want to spontaneously engage in for themselves breaks down their resistance and self-will. It tells them that their opinions about their own body won’t be respected. And self-will and determination has to be an important part of recognising that your body is your own, and that you have the right to choose who touches it and how, and perhaps avoiding adults whose intentions are much less benign.
Often, when Tiggy hurts herself, my instinctive reaction is to comfort her with a soft pat on the back or stroke on her head. But sometimes when I do that, she tells me not to pat her or stroke her, and I have to respect that. Have you ever had anyone try and ask you whether you’re ok when you’ve just stubbed your bare toe on a cold winter’s morning?
Just say no, kids!
lesliesarah said,
Tuesday, 6 May 2008 @ 5:56 pm
I agree completely with you. Unfortunately it has become common to believe your children are lesser, that they deserve less respect (for feelings, through words, actions whatever). If I wouldn’t treat another adult some way, why would my child deserve less? Would I spank my friend, Bob, because he wouldn’t let me impose my will on him?” and then say “Bob, don’t you understand I am teaching you not to hit?” or would make all decisions for my coworker Nancy and justifying it by reassuring her that “I am doing this to teach to you to be a responsible adult.” Uh, you get my point.
So, I agree. Obviously we love our children, want to comfort and protect them, and will inevitably do things wrong from time to time, but we do need to make sure we respect our children. They are people too, frankly, with just as much right to have their needs, desires, dreams, feelings expressed. And we are meant to guide them so that they no longer need us and have formed into people who can affect this world.
doodaddy said,
Tuesday, 6 May 2008 @ 6:45 pm
Hear, hear. Many people — especially relatives, and *especially* childless relatives — really don’t know how to “be” around kids. I sometimes want to shout “Just be NORMAL!” but obviously that message wouldn’t be taken in all that well…
Thom said,
Tuesday, 6 May 2008 @ 10:10 pm
Thanks lesliesarah and doodaddy.
lesliesarah: that’s exactly what I was thinking while I wrote the post. So often people treat children in ways that they wouldn’t dare approach another adult. Sure, children require some different behaviour by virtue of their relative lack of experience (you’re not going to let them get cold, or go hungry, or suffer). But treat them like human beings for crying out loud!
doodaddy: that’s a whole ‘nuther aspect that I’d love to write about, and I know you have when you talk about your in-laws and rels. It cracks me up when people raise the volume of their speaking voice and ‘dumb it down’ when speaking to Tiggy. It just isn’t necessary, and sometimes I feel like responding with the same tone of voice to them…
‘YES! SHE SPEAKY VERY GOOD AND UNDERSTANDY EVVYTHING YOU SAY!’